My husband Jamie and I are coming up on our three year anniversary of being married, and 6 years of being together. I'm not only glad to not be dating, but also very lucky to be with him. A couple weeks ago, Jamie came home from one of the schools where he teaches with this amazing gem, published in 1976.
Why, my stars, I do declare....
It's vaguely concerning that someone might have been using this to learn English even remotely recently. Ever, really. Not that I'm intimately familiar with the genre - I would venture to guess that 100% of it is horrible - but this is also especially hilarious. It consists of a 100 "likely" situations where one might meet women. I'll just choose a favourite and throw some gifs in there. I might make this a regular feature, because every one of these is laugh out loud ridiculous.
42. Special Delivery
When did you have your first taste of sex? Why it was probably playing "Post Office" at some party years and years ago.
Why, my stars, I do declare....
What? Apparently this was a thing. Sounds like it should have been called "Mononucleosis Office".
Let that be a clue to you. Return to the site of your earliest triumphs.
Oceanography camp? I think that would be weird.
Since you're not likely to be invited to many pre-teen parties, then I guess it's just the old U.S. Mail you should return to.
Veiled disappointment at no longer receiving invites 12-year-old's birthday parties, we can all relate, amirite??
There are always lots of girls at the post office, and it's really easy to meet them (considering how high postage rates are getting, this is probably a good place to meet someone rich).
Yeah, dummy, do the math: at $0.13 a letter, anyone who even goes into the Post Office is probably rolling in it. They could have ONES OF DOLLARS. But also might not.
Gather together some letters or packages you need to mail and head on down to ship them off.
Oh, ok, so I shouldn't just show up at the post office, park it in a corner, and watch the door. Got it. This is already illuminating.
When you're there, take your time.
Last time I was at a post office, there was no other option.
Get your stamps, ask some questions, look through the "Wanted Posters".
Gotta be sure no one made any phone calls to the police after you crashed that pre-teen party last weekend...
All the while keep an eagle eye out for pretty girls. When you see one, get ready. Wait until she's bought the stamps she needs...
If she came in to do something other than purchase stamps, ABORT.
...wait until she has gone to a side counter to lick them.
Oh boy.
Walk over to her, but don't blurt out something about licking - that'll come later.
Why am I not surprised you are already so sure you will blurt out something about licking later?
Instead, say:
THIS IS IT!
At the speed the mail is delivered these days, I feel like I should wish this letter "Bon voyage"
Hopefully she'll laugh,
Hope is a funny thing. 30% chance of this:
With a 70% chance of one of these:
...and then you can discuss the horrors of the U.S. Mails.
All the mails. The horror of every single one of those mails. Horrific.
Pretty soon you'll both be finished with your letters and you can start on each other.
...sending each other?
"Post Office" is one of the few games you played as a kid that you'll have no trouble remembering.
That month you had to take off school sleeping fifteen hours a day was unforgettable. Before that, you would actually look forward to your brief and fleeting late-morning affairs with Bob Barker.
Here's the original, in case you think this is so ridiculous I must have taken liberties with the transcription.
I wouldn't want to Rand Paul it, so here's a proper citation: Weber, E. (1976). 100 Best Opening Lines. New Jersey: Symphony Press.
And here's to 6 years of not dating, three years of marriage, two countries, and one miniature human.
