Dear Hobby Lobby

I blog mostly when things piss me off and I disagree with them. No one cares how much I love this, although I do feel very strongly about it. When I write about something, I attempt to present concrete, compelling evidence and arguments as to why I am right about it and someone or something else is wrong (see posts on healthcare, working mothers). While it's certainly not unbiased, I try not to present my thoughts in a vacuum.

This is, in part, why I blog pretty infrequently - I have to a) really feel annoyed about something, and b) feel like something is interesting enough that other people might care to read it. Without this latter criteria there would be a lot of posts about why jeans don't fit properly and why commuting sucks.  So both these criteria in place, I spend a lot of time writing a post: the rage provides the motivation, I try to channel it into a more or less rational argument supporting my own position.

I'm going to switch it up today, leading with the rage more than usual, and going with an intimate letter format. It contains liberal use of strong language, so be warned. The topic, for a little background, is a case before the Supreme Court this week, Sebelius v. Hobby Lobby Stores, Inc. The crux of the case is that Hobby Lobby, a chain of craft stores, is refusing to provide healthcare coverage to their female employees - as required by the ACA - under the guise of religious freedom. The rationale is this: since the ACA requires free access to birth control and they believe some types of birth control to be too abortionesque, they argue that they shouldn't have to comply with the ACA at all. Which is federal law. In the country where they operate.

Dear Hobby Lobby,

I know you don't know me, but I'm writing to cordially recommend you go fuck yourself. 

I mean that in the figurative colloquial sense, of course - you can't literally fuck yourself, because you aren't a person or individual, a fact that the courts seem to have conveniently ignored. You're a corporation which happens to be run by myopic, self-righteous individuals, who think that since they have a closely held belief, that they should have the right to make that belief manifest in the personal lives of their employees. It doesn't help that I disagree with your belief, but I want to stress: this is not the point. Whatever your beliefs, I really don't think you should be able to force your employees to act in accordance with them.

I also hate your insipid rhyming name and the fact that I have to hear it drip out of journalists' mouths constantly. But I digress - this isn't really the main reason I would like you to metaphorically self-fornicate as soon as possible. 

I know that you fucking yourself would probably have little bearing on the case currently in front of the highest court of the land, but it might make me feel a little better, so I'm asking you to seriously consider it. I'm not sure how you go about actually but also merely metaphorically fucking yourself, but I think in light of the evidence I present below, you'll do the right thing and figure it out. 

You see, the fact that you are even in the Supreme Court, batting your eyelashes naively while suggesting the personal religious convictions of your owners justify screwing over employees, and setting precedent for others to do the same, is deeply depressing. No matter what you believe, if the court rules for you, the outcome will be that you royally fuck over your female employees - and potentially, hardworking women all over the country who also happen to have nosy zealot asshats as employers. And also, your stupid fucking name. I know that wasn't really a sentence, but your name is the worst.

The backwards, employment-based healthcare system in the US has many flaws, one being the loophole through which you have leapt in an attempt to prevent your female employees from receiving basic preventative care. The fact that success in your endeavours would be hazardous to the health and well-being of over half the population is reason enough to suggest that you should, at the very least, fuck off, if not go full-bore and seriously go fuck yourself. 

If endangering the health of American women isn't enough to convince you that you should, post-haste, fornicate yourself, consider the broader implications. Given that no particular religion is afforded special status over another in the United States (at least in theory), if you're successful, idiot zealots like yourself of all persuasions may come out of the woodwork. 

Scientologists may suddenly have a good case for refusing to provide any coverage which pertains to mental health, religious vegans could refuse to cover vaccinations (they contain egg), and adherents of Sharia law (and I'm guessing, also many conservative Christians) could deny any housing benefits they provide to their employees if they were gay. And if we consider healthcare coverage as part of a general compensation package, what's to stop employers from refusing to provide full pay to individuals who engage in extra-curricular activities which give the employer some religious feels.

In particular light of these broad-reaching consequences, I think you'll agree you should not only go fuck yourself, but even consider additional, more drastic metaphorical action. For example, take a moment to bite me, or even eat shit.

Yours truly,

Me