So, a few days ago (on Thursday), I was having a little lower abdominal pain. Normally, it wouldn't have even really registered other than to annoy me. It wasn't particularly severe, and could have easily been digestive. But I have no idea what this shit is or isn't supposed to feel like, so, I called NHS 24 here in Scotland just to double check. Now, when I originally called to tell them I thought I was pregnant, I was waiting for the response, "get in here so we can check!" Instead they were like, "no one cares, we'll see you in three weeks." So I was hoping for the NHS 24 people to be all, "Stop wasting our time, you neurotic American, you just need to fart."
What they actually said was, go to A&E (Accident & Emergency, aka the ER) right now. Well shit. They also asked me if I could breathe normally three times, while I was on the phone talking to them, so maybe that should have been a clue this was going to get interesting.
Anyway, we get there are are rushed to the Immediate Care Waiting Room (seriously), which I thought was pretty funny. When we did get to see a doctor after about 20 minutes* ... he was, as they say, a bit green. A dramatic (as in, the doctor actually said almost none of this) reenactment, if you will.
Dr. Wikipedia: Hi. It's my second day here. I don't know yet that it's weird to tuck my scrubs into my socks, but I'll get there. I'm not really sure what a vagina is, so I'll be leaving for lengthly periods to check with my colleague.
Me: Um, ok buddy. Take it slow. Maybe you should refrain from telling people I got here before you did.
Dr. Wikipedia: Let's take some blood.
Me: Ok, that sounds reasonable.
[Nurse enters stage right]
Nurse: Let me attach all these things to you.
Me: So I guess he's going to test the blood for the pregnancy hormone?
Nurse: The what?
Me: Pregnancy hormone?
Nurse: OH! You're pregnant.
Me: Um, yes. I guess that feeling I had that you should know that was unfounded.
Nurse: Go pee in this cardboard cup.
Me: Alrighty.
[I pee, wander back from the bathroom holding an open cardboard cup of my own urine, doctor returns]
Dr Wikipedia: Turns out I didn't need any of that blood, but I promise I'll discard it, though I'd rather use it for pagan rituals in my living room. Also, your pregnancy might be ectopic.
Jamie: But then why are the tests positive?
Me: In ectopic pregnancy, the mass of cells attaches to the fallopian tube rather than the uterine wall, and is unviable and very dangerous to the mother, but still results in a release in pregnancy hormone in the early stages.
Dr. Wikipedia: What she said.
Anyway, the best move by Dr Wiki all night was to have someone call me from the Maternity place across the road the following day. This is a good thing, but the word maternity makes me think of vaguely ugly clothing. The first thing they told me when I called was that it was probably not ectopic, though that was possible. I would likely have bleeding if that were the case. They said it may be a cyst on the ovary that will go away, but that they need to take blood every 48 hours and measure my hormone levels to make sure they're doubling as they should. So good one discarding my blood Dr. Wiki. You should have kept it for that ritual and then you'd still have (some of?) it. I keep asking them, "Or maybe I just need to continue farting?" (because see, I have been farting like a lot). At my first visit to the Pregnancy Care Unit, the first thing the woman said was, "oh god, never go to A&E, they don't know anything about pregnancy there." Umm...uh, will you be here 24/7 then?
Good news is my hormone levels are going up as normal, but I'm kind of over having hollow needles stuck in my arm. Another one on Tuesday, then a scan next week.
For now, I'm supposed to be concentrating on marking, and a talk I'm giving on Tuesday morning. Fat chance. As if marking weren't already the most tedious thing ever, I keep writing comments that start like "phonological conditioning requires phonetic similarity..." and wanting to end them with"... and I'M PREGNANT" which of course would be inappropriate not to mention irrelevant to a phonology/morphology/syntax assignment. GAH. It's due Tuesday in any event, so I best get to it. Goodbye, currently nonexistent reader!
*I'm not complaining, as I'm sure that's loads better than most waiting times. But an immediate care waiting room, though necessary, is hilarious.
No comments:
Post a Comment